The Difficult Second Blog
It’s a few days late… but not because I didn’t write one. I did.
However, the content was quite… dark. I took a deep dive in to my mental health and my complex relationship with alcohol, something deeply tied to my struggles with depression. And although I wrote it, I realised that I’m not ready to share it. Not yet. Maybe one day. But not today.
Today, I want to talk about where I am, and why I’m here.
Attending a leadership conference in Nottingham
I’m at a leadership conference in
Nottingham and, for the first time in my life, I’m here as a delegate. That alone feels surreal. It’s an opportunity I’ve been given because of the success of our business, and being surrounded by so many successful entrepreneurs and experienced business owners is both overwhelming and incredible.
I’ve often felt undervalued and underappreciated at work. Perhaps in life. So to be recognised and invited here is a huge honour. I’m proud of myself and proud of Scott for the work we’ve put in to get to this point. I’m inspired, and I’m looking forward to taking home some of the ideas and insights I’ve picked up, and using them to keep growing our little business.
Taking space after a full-on day
I’m writing this from my hotel room. Scott and a few people we know from our networking organisation have gone out for food, but I’ve opted for some time alone. Today has taken a lot out of me. I was up at 5am to get here and have been in back-to-back seminars all day. I’ve really enjoyed it, genuinely. But I could very easily have not come at all. I could have turned the car around more than once this morning. So I’m proud that I made it, proud that I was asked to be here… but I’m also completely “peopled out.”
The others are enjoying a few drinks, and I’m sure I could have joined them without too many issues. But when my head isn’t quite where I want it to be, it doesn’t take much alcohol to compound the inner turmoil, the dark thoughts, the negative reflections, the intrusive suicidal visions. Being considered a leader among my peers is amazing, but after spending so many years institutionalised by a large corporation, it’s hard to shake the imposter syndrome. That feeling of not belonging. Of not being good enough. And when I’m already feeling a bit precarious, those thoughts are better faced sober.
Walking around Beeston
So while the others sat in a restaurant, I walked around Beeston, a university town, and found a Subway to keep me going. Seeing all of the students wandering around made me unexpectedly self-conscious again! I thought I was safe! The alternative, rocker-type students especially took me straight back to the early 00s, stirring up a wave of nostalgia. Then I caught my reflection in a shop window, grey hairs, tired eyes, a new very questionable top knot/mullet combo on my head, feeling every one of my 40 years, and it made me reflect on the past two decades and how much I’ve changed, inside and out.
The truth is, I don’t always feel like I belong with the other delegates. I definitely don’t belong with the students. I don’t eat meat, so I don’t belong in the Turkish grill. And I don’t want to drink at the hotel bar… or any other bar right now.
Fighting the demons
So tonight I reflect. Alone. Fighting the demons and kicking my feet just enough to keep my head above water. The eagle screaming for peace. While the beasts on the inside sharpen their teeth.
I feel alone, but I know I’m not. I know many people feel like this. I’ve lost dear friends who didn’t feel like they belonged, who felt out of place. I’m one of the lucky ones.
Feeding the white wolf
I’m not ready to post the original blog I wrote, but I do want to give myself a bit of a gas-up. For putting one foot in front of the other. For making it here. For enjoying it. For being present. And for knowing when it was time to step away and give myself some space. Some quiet. A place for my head.
There’s a black and a white wolf in me. And I live and I die by which one I feed.
Today, feeding the white wolf a footlong sub was the right choice.
David
